Update (12/8/2023): Poetry was a way to connect with myself that I used extensively for my mental health during life transitions. I don't write a lot of poetry anymore and I'm considering how I want to use this page. I may take it down, or at least reorganize it.

We lose ourselves

And find ourselves

In a tumbling tide

 

It ebbs and flows

Longing for sunbeams

Or falling into dark depths

 

Alone

Or embraced

 

Slowly falling apart

Piecing ourselves together

Or just holding on

 

Who we are

And who we want to be

Those choices spiral

 

As we drown

Fight our way

Or stand surely

 

Lost

Or found

In reaching hands

 

To draw close

Or drift apart

 

It hurts

Its exhilarating

Numbing

Hopeful

 

But through this tunnel

The you that you will be is somewhere out there

The you beyond this day

And beyond your tumbling heart

 

To move through it all

Is something you must do

From The Essence of Longing (To Hold a Flower Part 2)

~

A Swelling of Sunbeams

You cannot possibly comprehend

The swelling of my heart

And the brightness shining from my eyes

Soaring and twirling through the air

And skimming the clouds

Enveloped by the glistening stars

And held by a sunrise awashing you anew

The world feels so alive

Your heart with such ease

Sent a flutter in a wonderous mist

Swirling in the rush of a thousand new touches

The wind gently caressing you

As you rush and twirl

The softness of the grasses skimming your pattering feet

Words settling on pages

Like blossoms peeling from soft lips

How can you feel such a thrill

A rush as your smile and your laugh comes with such lightness

And your tears fall as easy as breathing

Like glimmers of starshine

So easy and so free

That burst in your heart eternal

And you lie there in a meadow of your dreams

~

The Story Someone Needs

My dreams will not remain dreams

I will find them

I will clutch them to my chest

And let them shine upon the world

Letting them flourish into everything they can be

And touch the people who need them

Because stories need to be read

And someone needs yours

~

The clouds of dreams
Clutched on the wind
Steady and light
Those filled with dreams
 
Clutched to my breast
A prayer of light
And a steady happiness
I wish in the clouds
 
The sun will not wash away
The wind not tear apart
The rain will not erase this joy of day
 
Something of love
Something of heart
Something I never want to give away
 
For she reaches the sky that I never will
Caresses the light
And holds my hand
 
An angel of light
Carefree and spry
Light and merry and a dream of day
 
She holds a flower to all the world
A flower that must never fade away
 
From To Hold a Flower
~
There was a girl who broke
Who shattered
Because she was lost
Because to her she had nothing
All she had was emptiness 
And her eyes were dead
 
But she’s still here
She’s alive
She’s felt freedom on her wings
 
But sometimes she forgets 
Sometimes those cracks open up
And she’s lost
Because some hurts never heal
 
Sometimes she doesn’t know how to pick herself back up
Sometimes she doesn’t know how to move forward 
Sometimes she fumbles in the dark
 
But when her eyes are shining
She knows everything is worth it
And she’s stopped trying to drown
 
Sometimes she cracks
Sometimes she fumbles and falls
But she doesn’t break
 
That girl is still here
Trying to find her way
And she wants to
~

I loved her from the moment she came into my life

Dunet

My sister and my best friend

She is…the flower that guides me

The flower that I desperately cling to

But sometimes we cling too hard

When we accept that sometimes we need to let go of the fragile images we clutch to our hearts

And learn to grow alongside those we love the most

For that is the purest love

And the purest heartache

To mend and to heal

To strengthen and build

And to embrace those rooted fears of change

For love is something that grows

Something you must choose to grow with

For you are someone who must always grow

Change

And embrace the true beauty

Of yourself

And those you love

 

From To Hold a Flower

~

Your darkness is not a cage

No matter how much you seek to sink into it

You must always break free

Looking for a future that is bright and always there

Waiting for you

For you are beautiful

And someday you will love yourself for all that you are

Pushing forward into a future full of hope

Full of dreams

And full of love

You are never alone

And you never will be

You deserve the world

And to grow into the beautiful person I know you are

From To Hold a Flower

~

You are a scattered leaf in the wind

Unsure and timid

Yet you are here

Kind and capable

Ready to bring this world so much brightness

You will embrace your confidence

Your strengths

And move forward into a steady world

Waiting to receive your touch

From To Hold a Flower

~

You are a shadow that longs for the light

To be held close

Afraid of love

Eternally wondering whether you will be forgotten

Afraid of the trust that you so desperately deny

The depths of the love that you so desperately seek

The love you deserve

But the love that you are afraid of

You are caught up in a world between a dream and a sorrow

Pushing forward even as you hold back

A falling star that is afraid to illuminate the darkness

Yet a star that one day will cast off the shroud of uncertainty

And learn to grow

And to love

And to trust

And to embrace

And to find that love you so desperately sought

To know that you are more than selfish

From A Star Lost

~

You long for a comfort forever past

Dreams in a spiral of vivid memory

While a dream calls in the present

Everything you seek is here

Even as you reach for the past

And you will cultivate a world as much of warmth as the one you left

Lingering in contentment

Of what is and has been

From A Star Lost

~

You are worth more

Then every star in the sky
And every shade of gold
More than the world
You deserve to be here
So please don’t go
~
So fragile
When everything falls apart 
When your mind tears
Looking for an answer 
And causing only pain
Falling 
As you grasp unstable ground
We are fragile
Our mirror cracked
And it’s shards
Stab in the dark
We are fragile
Hiding
From the world
Pushing away
What we need 
But why
~
Reaching across glass
To a shattered self
That you are desperately trying to find
As it crumbles
And cascades from your grasp
Lost in a million fragments 
You search for those broken pieces
Each one dissolving at your fingertips 
Like fading memory
That you know you will find
That you must
Piece all those scattered jewels together again
And reform what you always think is whole
But always collapses
So fragile
And so breakable
Even when we think we mend
The second we slip
It’s so easy to let ourselves fall again 
But the more you look up
At the Golden sky
The more clear it will be
Guiding your feet forward
On scattered pieces
Put back together
By hands that shake
But still hold true to your heart
And how that heart will flow forward 
No matter how hard it sometimes is
And how much you want to give up
You will keep searching for wholeness
Rays of light through dulled jewels 
Lit into the brightest rainbows
~

To write your dreams from heaven 
Caught on a star
Gaze held in a pleasant calm
Wind singing softly through the windows
And eyes drifting past the lush of green
To the wonderous blue sky
And into the sunset
Drifting into a feathered sleep
To wake again and write in a morning of chirping song and lulling peace

~

There’s someone who still knows you
Doesn’t split you into two
Not “you were”
Not “you are”
Not looking at you through a faded image
That dissappears
Or a shimmering pool you can’t touch 
Want to separate 
Want to fracture 
You walk with me like I’m whole
Like I’m not a dream 
Like I’m not a nightmare 
Not something disappearing
Not something gone
Not broken
Or new
Not wholely different 
But alive 
And free
And growing 
Someone who is just one person 
Who needed to grow
And realize all she was
Needed support to hold up her wings
So that she could soar

~

The dancing
In your heart
Never quiets
Like soft dreams
Caught in a bottle 
Glimmering
And singing to you
In a bell-like flutter
Heart ringing
In pure
Joy
Flowing in softness of silk
And murmuring
In a wave of dreams
Made real
For how could your heart flutter so?
So still in wonder?
For you have grasped the stars

~

Sometimes we forget that we love something 
When we get so caught up
And crushed
By stinging tides
When we lose sight of the things we want and need
And try reaching for them
Too desperately 
As we try to breathe
Try to keep yourself standing 
When it seems so exhausting 
When your breath catches or comes too fast that it’s not enough 
And sometimes it’s just so hard to keep all that rushing panic down
Building in hot, too-quick breaths
But just remember 
To breathe

~

I’m a scared girl

I’m snotty nosed

And teary eyed

And scream into my pillow

I cry for an hour

When I haven’t even realized I needed it

I’m a mess

Dysfunctional

Tears streaming

And barely breathing

And that’s okay

Because sometimes we don’t realize

How much has piled up

How heavy our hearts are

How much they need release

In the outpour

Of your cathartic sobs

Untrampled

And raw

Your soul mending

On every contortion

Every note

Like a shooting star

~

She rises 
On wings of starlight
The world a shadow before her
But she doesn’t wonder
Doesn’t hesitate 
Doesn’t fear
For she is all she needs
And she will light up the sky
Turning it to gold

~

She rises
Like a leaf in a fall wind
Standing on the edge of a current of dreams
To flutter
Or be tossed
She’s lovely
In her mind
Free
Falling
And rising
Swept away
But finding hers
On that soft crescendo of wind
She finds her place

~

The sultry flame of red

Cut at desire

Burning in heat

And trailing in crisps of ash

You storm this world with your head raised

Like it is beneath you

To draw in

Set ablaze

And rise on its ashes

Defiant and cutting

And alight in her glory

Standing above everything

That could pull her down

~

 

Black petals

Poised in the windswept fields

Barren and vicious and beautiful

Is she a flower or a thorn?

She’s neither

Just a girl set free

As sharp as ice

Or as delicate as glass

As cool as fangs

Or as smooth as silk

She´s proud

And she´s gentle

Does a girl ever have to be one thing?

~

Hold your head up

You are beautiful

You are worthy

And you deserve to be seen

~

a brilliant sunrise

My eyes glisten at the ghost of a dream.

I reach for it, my hands closing on thin air.

…But yet, that horizon is still there.

Still forever shining.

For you are a star yet to be embraced by the sunrise.

To be held and to be loved.

Your horizon will always be there.

~

a brilliant sunrise version 2

Glistening eyes at the edge of a dream

You reach for that horizon

Through all the tears and the pain

It shines so brightly

So warmly

No matter how dark everything seems

No matter how much it hurts

You will shine

For you are a brilliant star

And soon

You will be embraced by the warmth of a coming sunrise

That light will be there to welcome you

To hold you close

To love you

For you are a light that will shine through to the morning

~

a brilliant sunrise version 3

Your eyes glisten

Reaching through icy tears

Towards a sunrise that shines so brightly

For you are a star shining through the night

A star so beautiful

And so bright

You will be enveloped in that brilliant sunrise

Embraced and held close

Cradled and loved

Your light will shine through to the morning

~

Love & Loneliness

Know that you are loved

When you feel alone

And fear to trust

Closing those walls in fear of being hurt

You’re scars lingering on

That you will always be loved

That you will always have a home

And when you reach out blindly

Someone will be there to pull you from the darkness

To share and let you heal

To laugh and cry

To let you be yourself

That person you feel is undeserving

Embraced with open arms

Offering to you the kindness

To grow with them

And to touch each other’s hearts

In tears of joy

~

                A Shadow of Home

Your home doesn’t feel like yours anymore 

And you wonder if it ever will

A place that no longer feels as welcoming 

No longer cradles you

But fills you with anxiety 

And you know

That you’ve lost that place

Forever 

Because that can never again be the shelter you knew

You had to give it up

Even if it hurts

Because no one there will ever look at you the same

And you feel a pang deep in your heart

To go back there

When there was once joy and salvation and warmth

~

We are darkness

And we are shadow

All light an illusion

~

Part of me has convinced myself

That joy is a facade

That true joy

Isn’t a forced smile

But to bathe in darkness

Not to make light out of nothing

But mold that light

From darkness

To not laugh like a trapped bird

But cry

Pour your heart out

A shadow set free

~

A Swell of Longing 
Far removed
To things that never were
But yet Ripple clear
Stretching heavily
Like embraces all but invisible 


The ghost of insecurity 
Sits in your heart
Stirred and waiting
But quiet
Hushed
Not let in
There on the surface 
Begging 
To clutch or run
But your roots are there now
And you don’t need to clutch 
Any longer 

~

To Hold a Darkness

As we hold our knees
And stare with glossed eyes
A blank pressure
To hold you in the dark
That you are afraid to escape 
Drawing yourself further
To a beckoning threshold 
The hands behind you
Reaching to your back
Merely phantoms
And all you carry
Is the weight at your heart
Eyes dim
And glimpsing no light
When did you stop caring?

~

How can someone love an empty shadow?

Pour their heart into them

When all it does is run out

How could you have loved me when I was so empty?

~

The sould blossoms

Between a delicate Flower

And a perilous knife

We are light

&

We are darkness

~

I feel insane
I broken
Why do I crack now?
When I’m mended
But not
Was I ever?
Will I ever be?
Or will I just keep falling apart?
Everything slipping through my fingers
Like scorched glass
That I can’t feel
Where am I?
And why do I keep breaking?
Screaming into a void
With only silence

~

I am filled with nothing 
Caught up in a freezing storm
Braced against all the slicing tendrils
You wonder if you will stay like this 
Eyes caught in ice
Falling into the whirling
Of a cold oblivion 
Scattering your mind
And tossing you
Until you are lost
And everything freezes over into silence

Yet I know a warm light burns somewhere
Past that cold confusion 
And one day
You will find your way again 

~

We search through starry skies

Caught on wings of light

Through the sea of time

Whispering lullabies into your ears

~

Breaking free from your chains

Head held high

No longer a pawn or a slave

A queen

Who scorches the earth even when no fire burns

A queen set free

Burning brightly in the flame only she can bring

 

My Queen – Tribute to Aelin Galthenius (Kingdom of Ash, A Throne of Glass novel)

~

Your star is a light

That shines to me

Grasped in my soul

For you

I would make this world

Blossom all the brighter

~

Giggles tumble from your lips

Your eyes glitter

For all you know

You’re drunk on this lightness

In your chest

These laughs

That burst

From your parted lips

Head that feels

Tucked in the clouds

And open face

Unchecked

Did you ever know

What it felt like?

~

Your eyes sparkle

Reflected in moonlight

A pool of wonder

Cast with radiance

And your mouth splits

In a gentle breath

Heart so full

At all these tiny wonders

That settle in your eyes

~

A Daffodil’s Passing

Daffodils float in the wind

Like a charm

Dancing and twirling in the summer breeze

And carrying the happiness of a summer bliss

Over the brook of flowing silver

Passing the pinks of blossoming flowers

Past the grasses bright and green

And under the sun of a warming yellow

Past the setting sun of a golden hue

Into the stars of a night twinkling anew

Fireflies light the night in brilliant clamor

Their twinkle sparkling of a million fairies

The sun to rise from the grass at last

The lanterns dim to the pale of morning

Butterflies roam in the blanketed air

As the dandelion is taken by your small hands

To be clutched

And marveled at

Played with

And shared once more to a slumbering world

~

a love wrapped in heartache

 

You are love and pain

A smile shattered by time

Cradled and held close

You cry

Awaiting an end to an endless exhaustion

Until you hear that cry

You reach back

To something ephemeral

You grasp back to a touch

And you take it

You remember kindness and compassion

The warm touch of kindness past the cold grief of heartache

The emptiness of existence

And the screaming to a person who deserves so much more

You remember that there is more

That you can touch yourself

Just as much as you can touch others

You deserve your own love

Not to shun it

Not to let it go

For you are worthy of the world

To live in it

To dream in it

~

A Thread of Hope

The world is beautiful

If you could only see it

Yet your eyes are sewn shut

Even as a string of hope stretches out before you

To guide you

Gold in the stretches of your damp memory

A silent murmur in a darkening sorrow

A thread that you fear

Even as you cling precariously on shaking/trembling fingers

Your hope is always there

And it will never sever

~

Fake Eyes

The doll grabbed the rope, tears ripping from its eyes as it hauled itself up. The rope swayed like a noose, creaking in the still air, pallid hands reaching from the gloomy depths, as the lidless eyes of the doll stared at the heavens. But it was too far away, and the doll couldn’t make it, only hearing an echoing, shrill song, playing like fractured bones in the hollowness of a beatless heart. The doll’s mind collapsed as it fell, dreams that were never real stuffed into moldy fluff. And the hands reached up, grasping the doll with a loving coldness, welcomed into a cage of freedom. And for once, the sound rang through the clanging drone – the spitting sound of “goodbye…” and the doll’s chest split and unraveled, collected by the hands that welcomed the doll anew, crafting the split fabric into an unrecognizable image without a scattered memory to fill it.

The doll was empty, but at least it wasn’t lonely…its sockets filled with fake eyes that blocked out the world.

A Soft Insanity

You laugh into your darkness

Nearly giggling at how strange you feel

Clinging to something that doesn’t matter

You laugh hysterically

Even as you shrink back and scream at nothing

Into a void

Cry at nothing

It’s funny in a way

Scary

Odd

You wonder if you’ve gone crazy

Everytime you piece yourself back together

You fall apart again

Maybe you’re broken now

From your depression

Your anxiety

Maybe now that you want to live

You realize that maybe you wanted it too late

And the pieces are all scattered

To be stitched together

And torn apart

Despite all your growth to get here

No matter how stable everything seems

Maybe deep down

You will always be broken

Yet you’re done not feeling

Not caring

You’re done tearing yourself apart on your own

And you’ll put yourself together

No matter how many time it takes

You will stand and face your future with a smile

Even if your anxiety screams at you

And the ghost of your depression tugs at your back

You will face your future with tears of joy

You will live and flourish

Because the world is beautiful now

The world is yours

And you deserve it

You always will

And you always have

~

A Beautiful World

                The World is so beautiful

                I feel like laughing

                And spinning

                In this beautiful World

                Hoping that feeling will last

                Rising above my anxiety

                A brilliant euphoria

                To outshine the darkness

                Such a passing thing

                Such a beautiful thing

                That seems so full in the moment

                But you know is so delicate

                Yet it doesn’t matter

~

A Fear That Cradles

Sometimes you just forget how scary the world is

How cold and dark

And how cruel

And how hurtful

And it just comes down all at once

Flooding you

Piercing you like a million shards

And you fall apart

But those tears are what keep you going

Let you see that balance of hope and despair

That wraps around you

Holding you and rocking you in your cradle as your tears fall in crystal shards

This world that makes you scream

Yet makes you smile

Even when everything crashes down

Your anxiety threatening to drown you

You’re still here

And you grasp the star beyond the shroud of fear

And you pull yourself up

Alone and whole again

~

A Superficial Love

It feels so fake

This cruel touch that we cling to

A chilling warmth over a shivering heart

Something fragile

Something superficial 

Yet something so longed for

Yearned for

Sought after

Even when you know that it is a lie

That everything is an act

And all your memories are ephemeral dreams long since gone

Something bitter 

Yet you cannot wash it away 

No matter how unhealthy it is

For both of you

How much you need to move on

That it is better for you this way

Because your thoughts do not reach each other

And you fail to see any growth in the other

To grow together 

Your true self

Falls on deaf ears

The person you are

Your dreams

All the ways you’ve changed and grown

The love you longed for

Discarded like paper to the wind

You realize the person you thought was never truly there

Much like you were never there

Never understood this person even as you reached to their image

When you saw them shining in everyone else’s eyes

But why do they chase your flickering shadow?

When it tears you up inside

When they are no longer good for you

And they leave you only pain

How do you tell that person that they are not a healthy part of your life?

And you are not a healthy part of theirs

If the two of you cannot rebuild a healthy foundation 

Then all there is is the strain

And the hurt

And exhaustion

Of an unhealthy relationship 

Of scars that will continue to grow

And the hurts that remain unhealed

When you do not truly see me

When I cannot grasp you

When you deny me

And we speak false truths

What is really left?

And when will we stop torturing ourselves to hold onto a dream of two people we never were?

~

A Hollow Sating – Vampire

What are you afraid of?

Myself

And all the horrors within me

That seek to tear apart everything I love

It’s empty

Like a vessel without water

That thirsts

But is afraid to do so

To be filled with emptiness

That is so sweet

Instead of what fills our hearts

As hollow as that may be

~

A Tribute to Jacob Black – Twilight New Moon

I feel like I lost something

Someone dear to me

A sibling I never knew I needed

But wanted desperately to have

And I lost him

Lost him when I cared too much

When I didn’t want to hurt him

When I turned the other way and he wasn’t there

Not like I needed him

Not like he was

And I lost him forever

My best friend

Lost him to time

To a distance I can never cross

I lost my best friend

Because he never saw me like that

And I lost a piece of my heart along with him

Something irreparable

Something that I could never tell him

And now I will always miss him

The boy who brought light and joy to my life

Who was always happy

Always kind

Always harmless

I lost that person I knew and I will never get him back

~

Tribute Poem to Peter Kavinsky from Lara Jean – To All the Boys Forever and Always

                I look at him, that beautiful, sweet smile

                This boy who I love

                Who will not give me up

                Or hold me back

                Who gives me his heart

                Chooses to grow with me

                To learn with me

                What love is

                To be true to one another and to ourselves

                To find a true, unshattering love over the fairytales we treasure

                The truest love buried within our truest selves

                And I know our love will survive

                I know we will trust and cherish

                Grow and let go

                From heartbreak and insecurity

                To a foundation written out stronger

                For we truly love each other

                And whatever is best for each other, we will always be there

                Moving to each other’s heartbeat

                And trusting in each other’s love

~

A Dream Voice

When you run through the grasses

Holding her hand

Dreaming and floating

Of Moments to last

Running to the Distance

Jumping and laughing

In a beautiful, warm dream

And the brightness of shared laughs

That ring on the air

As you lie in the grasses

Savor the stream’s pure touch

The smell of a fairytale forest

And talk to the lushness of a breeze

But more than that

She is here

With her smile

To share everything with y0u

Her voice carried on the air like a dream

~

            A Familiar Love

I’m not sure when it happened 

Why I feel this way

I love you

My best friend 

And I’m torn apart

Because I know nothing can ever be

But that’s okay

You know

You’ve helped me a lot

One of the few constants in my life

Who didn’t treat me like I was an entirely different person 

And let me laugh

And feel comfortable 

I wish I were near you

Why are the two people who I need most so far away?

Why do I cling and then feel the need to go away?

Know that I will only cling to you

Rely on you

And fall apart in the process 

~

You shine like gold

And flecks of stars

Like light in a bottle

And fireflies in the night

You have a spark

That no one can contain

~